Hi Jude,

Your point about children tending to "interpret things literally, think magically, and respond viscerally" to heal right away, I observed when my daughter, known then as the "Little Princess", crawled atop a chair and "unintentionally" dove into the edge of a coffee table. Contact point: right eyebrow, which accommodated her explosion of kinetic energy with a half inch gash.

I am an easy-going parent, but watching your kid simulate bungee-jumping sans bungee, even for two feet, heightens your terror alert meter… For those who don't know, small head wounds produce volumes of blood. I remained calm and said, "Wow, I've done that, boom, you hit your head!" then I told her bleeding was a good thing, cleaning the wound and all, and that it would stop soon because of the magic ice. There was more, but the really interesting part occurred at the hospital, she chatted with the nurses and doctors about her situation, never cried (even while they stitched the wound), and the amount of blood was comparatively small. It was a non-event to her.

Did I contribute to her self-healing attitude and actions? Looking back and comparing elements of what I did to your Verbal First Aid… I believe I may have, and if it worked on the "Little Princess" it will work on other kids too.

The best part is that you are modeling beneficial behavior for your kids – how to react to your grandchildren.

Good thoughts!
Lawson M.

That's precisely how it's supposed to work. Words lead to thoughts lead to images lead to chemistry which in turn leads to images and reinforces thoughts about ourselves–how we handle stress, healing etc…

Thanks, Lawson.

This is a wonderful comment from Victoria B on an article about Verbal First Aid (title above) on Huffingtonpost. There has been such a resounding "YES" on every piece I've written about Verbal First Aid and it's been truly gratifying. Thank you, Victoria, and all of you who have written to say, "Finally…a how-to manual for kids!"

I'm back to say a few, I hope, more-cogent words after watching your video for Words Are Medicine. I was traumatized during an unnecessary hospitalization when I was a toddler, seriously traumatized, won't go into it but the classic symptoms emerged and have troubled me all my life. As a result, I have pursued alternative health and healing practices since I was old enough to understand the difference, and I've been able to heal a lot of trauma.

What I want to say is that your understanding of the power of the words that medical personnel say, and the way they touch the patients under their care, is what I have been trying to get people to understand for most of my life. I'm going to find your publications and study them so that I can do more healing of myself, and so that I can feel confident in my own ability to be appropriate with others in crisis.

I can say as a person deeply wounded by the very pitfalls you describe that this information is essential to effective person-hood, not just for parenting or for first responders. Also crucial is the point you make that we tend to replicate what we were given, so it's really important for us to study and grow beyond that, otherwise we are just reenacting and recreating the insufficiencies. Thank you so much for publishing here on HP, I'm so happy to know about this research.

Verbal First Aid Emergencies

Ladies and Gentlemen, you just never know.

I was driving on the interstate when a guy on a motorbike hit something in the road in front of me. His bike flipped three times and fortunately he landed off the interstate. I was the first to get to him. He was thrashing about and screaming that he couldn't breathe. I knew I had to get him to lie still and calm down. So, I calmly told him that the worst was over, that I wanted him to be still, to stop the bleeding and conserve his blood and to breathe slowly and deeply until the paramedics got there. I can't remember what all I told him but he did quit bleeding and his breath did slow and deepen somewhat…until the paramedics got there. Then, he started bleeding again and became hysterical again. At that point, it wasn't up to me anymore and I left. I made a mental note about putting time parameters on what I would say if the situation ever arose again. You may very well have saved his life that day.

He continues:

You might even use the mistake I made with him to illustrate a point if you need. The mistake was that I told him to stop bleeding, release the pain, breathe easily, etc… UNTIL THE PARAMEDICS GOT THERE. So, he was fine for the 15 minutes or so it took for the paramedics to arrive but as soon as they pulled up he went right back to bleeding, writing in pain, and all the other issues. At first I couldn't figure out what happened until my own words kept shouting in my mind. I hope I never have another emergency like that, but I'll for sure never make that mistake again.

And speaking of mistakes…a big one in confession form to come in Huffingtonpost this week. There's no being perfect at this. We just–as they say–make progress.

Through their work, they attained great status as healers. They were revered as the “anargyroi,” the Unmercenary physician,s because they decided to stop charging for their services and to offer the gift of healing purely out of their devotion to God.

They never starved or lacked for anything, although they were brutally tortured and beheaded in 287AD   during the persecution under Diocletian for not recanting their beliefs.

After I heard their story–despite their unfortunate ending–I made a decision about my practice as a holistic psychotherapist. From that point on, I would slide my fee scale and that if someone truly wanted help and I could honestly help them, I would. Period. No forms. No hidden agendas. God gave me the tools. I give them to you.

This is not easy in a world where standards of care are generated by committees composed of people from pharmaceutical conglomerates and insurance companies. Or where doctors get sued for malpractice when diabetics won't stop drinking alcohol. The tort laws in NM have scared most medical practitioners to Texas.

When I was being interviewed and had a site visit conducted by NM medicaid, in order to become a provider I had to post exit signs over what were clearly doors AND have a map of my house drawn according to scale and post it where patients could see it. It had to have a "YOU ARE HERE" mark and show them the way out.

Mind you, my private office is in my home and the office has a separate entrance. There's no mistaking it.

At one point in the interview, the insurance rep was so adamant about it I had to ask, "If there's a fire, do you think I'm going to run out and leave my patient here?" He, by the way, was sitting right next to the door!

He just shrugged, "Those are the rules."

I shrugged, too, and decided after two months that I wanted the exit signs off my walls and that I would not leave my patients to burn.

So, now to a more pointed story of modern medicine under the thumb of big business:

Someone I know who was injured on the job was sent by the Worker’s Compensation insurance underwriter to one of their approved rehabilitation physicians.

The patient was examined and at first it revealed nothing, so they said it was a muscle injury and pushed pain killers, particularly vicodin, which is a known hazard  (tendency for addiction, narcotic bowel syndrome, irritability and mood disturbance, motor function disturbance and so on and so forth). The patient  refused all of their suggestions but took a bottle of ibuprofen.

Finally, after much complaining and only after the 90 days for a lawsuit had passed, the insurance company begrudgingly ordered an MRI which found several bulging discs including an impinged S1. They also found moderate to severe neuropathy along one leg, hip and buttock.

Nothing worked to help except one thing: physical therapy. So what did the modern doctors do?

They discontinued treatment, declared the patient MMI (at “maximum medical improvement”) and told him he really should "reconsider the vicodin because it was never going to get better." He was told he was permanently disabled.

The patient couldn't believe what he'd heard. They were taking away the only treatment that had helped? “But that was the only thing that worked. How can you do this?”

“Yeah,” the doctor said, “but you had your 8 weeks.”

“But you’re a DOCTOR!” the patient leaned forward, raising his voice.

“I know. But that’s the system."

The patient was furious. He pointed his finger, “No. YOU’RE the system.”

The doctor went on to earn a lot of money and live very comfortably.  So far he has not been beheaded.

For the rest of this article on the choices involved in becoming a healer, on the amazing healers I have known, and what insurance companies have done to the practice of medicine, please take just a short click to: http://www.opednews.com/articles/Modern-Medicine-Healing-o-by-Judith-Acosta-100715-534.html. It's worth the trip. We have some serious thinking to do about medicine and what we expect from our physicians. And, practitioners: we have some serious, serious work ahead of us if we're going to get back to the real business of healing.

In one of my talks on Verbal First Aid™, I make a point of bringing up the stethoscope as one of the inventions that truly changed medicine and the art of healing. Because where once the physician had to lay his or her ear on the patient’s chest to hear the heart beating, now there was over a foot of distance between them. We need to rethink this.

Within the last several years, particularly since 9/11 and the inception of a broad-reaching emphasis on national security, the American workplace has changed. Where at one time there was free and open intercourse, there are now multiple gateways prior to access–technological, social, and physical. Getting into a secured building requires the emptying of pockets and purses, the removal of shoes, and a sometimes more personal inspection. With that security–which is by its nature is based in the experience of fear–comes an increase in general anxiety. People are generally more hypervigilant–readier to perceive danger, more high strung, and more sensitive.

After 9/11, National Employee Assistance Programs had been virtually inundated with calls for debriefings, information sessions on trauma, and support services for employees. In the ten years since then the situation has not radically altered.

"It's more acceptable now to have emotions in the workplace," noted Kristen Nagle of Longview Associates in New York. "Corporations have been more sensitive to the psychological and emotional needs of employees virtually across the board. They know the importance of their support, particularly since 9/11. It's not only about productivity anymore. It's been about doing the right thing."

Corporate support has taken many forms–conferences, counseling services, trainings–on issues ranging from post-traumatic stress to Internet security.

Businesses have begun not only to react, but to respond proactively–giving their employees the tools they need to handle emotional and physical crises.

Verbal First Aid may be the most important–and least expensive–tool they can put in their repertoire.

http://www.opednews.com/articles/A-New-Tool-for-Risk-Manage-by-Judith-Acosta-100626-973.html

A young relative of mine is involved in a relationship that has been making her feel like a dramatic vehicle in a bad TV series. Every talk we've had about it has involved a long series of "he-said, she-said" revelations and rarely, if ever, have her conversations involved direct, open communication with the significant other.

She was deeply unhappy and felt powerless to do anything about the chaos, the secrets, the whisperings, or the plot twists and nefarious friends. She talked about her life as if it were a script being written by a committee of ravenous producers.

As a psychotherapist and a teacher of Verbal First Aid, it got me to thinking:

What has TV done to relationships? What have we learned by surrounding ourselves with shows such as "Raymond," "Two and a Half Men," "CSI," "Survivor," and "Trauma?" If it is true that art reflects life, it must be equally as true that life reflects art. We are what we surround ourselves with and perhaps it surrounds us in the way it does because it is in fact a projection of our truest selves.

If so, what surrounds us? What is the nature of relationships in mass media? What are we listening to as the TV runs on and on in the background and we're preparing dinner or doing housework or making the beds? How differently are relationships portrayed now compared to, say, 40 years ago?

For the full piece, please go to:

http://www.opednews.com/articles/Life-As-A-Reality-Show-by-Judith-Acosta-100629-971.html

Babies come into the world crying, cooing and clinging. They need–food, warmth, love, and safety. They do not come to us with the ability to give much beyond their own need for us. They don't come into the world with the capacity to calm themselves down or self-soothe. They don't come complete with the ability to self-regulate or work out problems.

They are born with the innate capacity to feel fully, scream for us, and hold onto us.

They are born with the potential to develop and think.

But they are not born with the ability to feel and think at the same time.

What are parents to do? How do they teach their children this most essential skill?

For more information, please go to:

www.opednews.com/articles/Verbal-First-Aid-and-Attac-by-Judith-Acosta-100629-216.html

According to a growing number of experts, a human's need–and search–for safety starts at conception. Studies have shown that mothers who do not want or are overwhelmed by their pregnancies induce the production of stress hormones in their newly forming babies.

Gary Sibcy, Ph.D.,co-author with Tim Clinton, of Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do, states unequivocally that relationships–how we speak, relate, and respond to our children–are crucial to brain development. Furthermore, he emphasizes, the earlier we engage children properly in life, the more likely they are to be healthy, adaptable, and happy.

In the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology, it is becoming axiomatic that the brain is a social organ and that the relationships we experience at an early age change not only the way the brain functions but its very structure and its future function. The brain changes and forms with experience and our interpretation of those experiences based on what we see, hear, and feel around us. This particular and important feature of childhood is what experts callplasticity.

A child is not born with a fixed set of resources, not even genetically. The only thing that comes in ready to go is the brain stem, which allows us to breathe and sleep and blink without thinking. The rest of the synaptic and neural nets are wired, rewired, and wired again throughout our early lives. Eventually, those networks can become hard-wired, which is why knowing how to speak to our children is so vitally important.

For the full article, please go to:

http://www.opednews.com/articles/Kid-Whispering–Keeping-by-Judith-Acosta-100706-621.html

While traveling north on the railroad from New York City, we were seated comfortably by a window seat watching the east river slowly move past us back out to sea.

My husband and I spoke quietly to each other about nothing terribly important but we were happily enjoying each other's company, watching boats and seagulls float by. There were several passengers nearby, one of whom was starting to nod off. We figured he had a way to go and didn’t mind missing a few stops.

At about the tip of Manhattan, a crew of 10 people, including 5 kids under the age of 10 got on the train. It felt like we had been suddenly dropped into Disneyland. Squealing, yelling, jumping up and down, hitting, and crying filled the passenger car, bouncing off every hard surface they could find.

The fella who was sweetly asleep, was jarred awake. He nuzzled back down into his seat, but finally gave up and leaned against the window, frowning.

The conversation between my husband and I was over.

The adults in the group did absolutely nothing to either calm or correct their children. Nothing.

Worse. They encouraged them, high-fiving every jump that enabled them to touch the ceiling and every song they sang at the top of their lungs.

Does anyone else see anything wrong with this scenario?

My husband, who is a 4^th-generation Montanan, was brought up in a restrained culture in which guns usually spoke louder than words and politeness, respect, and manners was absolutely expected. Once again, he became not only fairly irritated by the behavior of both the children and the adults, but confused and a bit shocked.

Mostly it was the adults that confused him because he couldn't understand how the parents allowed what was going on. Even though I was born andraised in NY and people screaming out of tenement windows to gather their kids for dinner is not alien to me,  I think this situation was different. It was an utter absence of authority and true adulthood. If children can't count on their parents or other grown ups in their world for guidance in new situations—social or otherwise–who are they supposed to learn from?

Restricting a child’s behavior in public does not have to mean they are joy assassins, which I believe a large number of parents are scared of being. They often explain to me that they want their children to be free to express themselves and be happy.

Do manners preclude that? Does setting limits preclude that?

I don’t think so. I think that consideration for the happiness and comfort of others is actually a prerequisite for real joy. You cannot be selfish and entitled and ever find peace or true love.

As my husband said after we left the train, relieved to be away from them, “They were having a good time and they thought everyone else should know exactly how good a time they were having and how cool they were.”

Parents are so worried about how they’re perceived now, that they sometimes forget to be parents. One of the basic tenets of Verbal First Aid is the ability to take a position of benevolent authority and lead a person who is scared, confused, sick, or shocked to a more healing mind-set. Without this foundation–this authority–that says, "I know what I'm doing. I know where I'm going. Follow me." there is no way to establish rapport and guide a person through a crisis so he or she comes out whole.

Authority has gotten a bad rap–often with good reason–in this and other countries. But we ought not throw out the baby with the bath water.  A true king, a true healer, a true parent must always have a measure of authority.

The other night a neighbor’s son had a party in the middle of the night in his parent’s garage. The floods were on, the music was blaring, the giggles, the beer, the smoking—all of it for everyone’s enjoyment, whether they were sleeping or not.

Finally, we had to call them and bring the party to the parents’ “attention.” My husband believes they had to know what was going on, but I think people can be unaware of the most obvious things, if it serves them on some level.

Good parenting still includes good limits. Limits and love are not mutually exclusive. Love and limits relate to one another the way bones and flesh do. The structure is necessary for its proper expression in the world.