To help you speak to your children about death, there are some simple guidelines to remember that can make the process a great deal more comfortable and productive.

Grief is Real.  Most of us have little preparation for death. That is especially true for a person who has only lived a short time. In all likelihood, it is their first experience of deep, inexplicable loss. Even with terminal, chronic disease, we all are left with the inevitable sense of powerlessness in the face of its final moments. This is no different for a child and grief takes on its own life in all spheres: mental, physical and behavioral: tightness in the throat and chest, hollowness in the stomach, jaw clenching, muscle fatigue, anger, guilt, fear, yearning, numbness, withdrawal, over-activity, crying, appetite loss, repetitive behaviors, confusion, disbelief.

Be Honest. There is no need to dramatize or trivialize. Simply telling the truth is the best answer. If a loved one or friend of the family has died, we are smarter telling the child what has happened quickly and simply. When possible, it helps to refer back to past experiences that were successfully resolved, for instance, “Danny, you remember when Aunt Maggie had to go to the hospital…".

Keep it Simple.  Giving a child facts doesn’t mean overwhelming him with details. If you are asked, answer. Otherwise, the simpler the better. A young child may respond to the death of a more distant family member initially by saying something like: “Oh, okay,  but I want to go out and play with Mollie!” In a situation like that, it can be best to let the subject drop. If the child is interested, they will usually let you know and bring questions up later, when you are least expecting it. Be prepared to respond calmly, and again, truthfully, keeping your explanations age-appropriate.