So many people want to feel better than they do. They go to doctors who will give them pills to end their pain, psychotherapists who will only tell them what they want to hear, and bars where they can pretend to be anyone but themselves.

We want to feel better and we have a right to. So often, unfortunately, our unwillingness to experience ANY discomfort keeps us from getting the real relief we need.

One woman who came to me because of horrifying flashbacks and night terrors she'd endured since she'd been raped as a teenager, had suffered long and hard. The pain was in her face. One of the first things she said when she came in was, "I just want it to go away."  Shortly thereafter she asked, "Do you think it'll take more than a few sessions?"

The goal is relief, but sometimes the road there demands that we feel the things we have spent so much time and energy denying.

Asthma is a perfect example of how we work and how the confrontation is ultimately inevitable if we want to heal. There was one study done in which patients journaled about their worst experiences. They did this every day for 20 minutes for a period of weeks. The result–a statistically significant reduction in their use of inhalers. Asthma is just one of many syndromes that are driven by emotion, particularly suppressed emotions such as anger, anxiety, and grief. In order for it to be healed or even mitigated, those emotions must be released appropriately even if they are uncomfortable or unpleasant.

A long time ago a colleague told me, "The more you resist, the more it persists." She was right.

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The other day I was leading a group for multiple DWI offenders. One of them, a middle-aged man who was particularly angered by the bracelet he was being forced to wear on his ankle, the legal routines that filled his life, and the fact that he had to go to two A.A. meetings a week interrupted the group process with a rant on how he was being brainwashed.

I turned to face him directly, more amused and disbelieving than annoyed or angered. “And before this you were…” I opened my hands, motioning for him to fill in the blanks.

“I was sure as hell nobody’s puppet the way I am now,” he said indignantly.

“Really? So, all the times you picked up a drink and drove, knowing you could get slammed with one more DWI and put in prison, no one had you in his pocket? You were a totally free agent? And all the things you bought when you didn’t have the money and found yourself with debt you couldn’t pay, you weren’t brainwashed?”

He became quiet, but an interesting discussion ensued about the media, about fear, about the brainwashing that saturates us nearly every minute of every day. Most advertising is based on fear. The fear of not belonging, dying, pestilence, catastrophes, terrorist pandemics, war, drought, flood, erectile dysfunction, menopause, arthritis, driving an ugly car…the fears being drummed into our unconscious minds are innumerable.

Some people are so afraid, they go numb. This is particularly true where some traumatic episode has interfered with their lives. They drive too fast, drink too much, laugh too loud, get far too irritated too easily or remain blithely passive when they should be responding. Their thinking gets short-circuited. The cultural milieu does little to support their recoveries and in fact does a great deal to inhibit their healing. The culture—represented by the media—floods them yet further with messages promoting anxiety, infecting them again and again with their unique brand of viral fear that keeps them numb and buying. If you’re tired and can’t sleep, buy one of our pills. If you’re unable to be intimate with your partner, buy a new car to change your image. If your relationships are falling apart, don’t waste any time thinking about the reasons for it, come to our Happy Hour and meet someone totally new.
And on it goes.

What Should We Do?

1. Start with awareness. If we wake up and see the media’s message for what it is, we can become less susceptible, less automatic in our responses and hopefully more thoughtful. When an ad comes on or you see a product being promoted on a show or in a movie, remind yourself who and what put it there and why they’re spending so much money to do that. Awareness limits the impact of the messages that bombard us. If a sentence in an advertisement starts with “could,” “would” or “should” we can safely assume there’s an incoming fear missile. “Could it happen here?” “Could there be a bomb on New Year’s Eve?” “Should you get the vaccine now?” “Would you know what to do if…” Grammar is an extension of intent. Listen to what’s being said critically.
We can then remind ourselves that the way products and services are presented (as image, as icon, as identity or extension of self) is illusory and speaks to our fears and inadequacies more than our good judgment. They will never satisfy us in the way we are told they will. Be conscious of the truth and you will recognize the lies.

2. Do the obvious. We can limit the amount of time we (and particularly our children) spend with television, i-pods, game-boys or cyber-tennis and make a conscious effort to spend more time with one another. I do not for a second imagine that Americans will all start taking up Buddhist meditation, but having a few minutes a day without having our senses assaulted might be a good idea. The other day I met a friend at a place called the Hyatt Tamaya. It is a resort of sublime beauty, filled with roaring fires in handmade kivas, Native American artwork, sensual flute music and captivating views from every angle. I had to wait for her a while and sat near one of the fires when a man and his wife sat across from me. Presumably they’d come to the hotel together, but she sat in one corner of the couch reading a book and he sat in a chair with earphones blasting percussive music I could hear from more than 10 feet away. Why bother spending $300 a night to tune out the place you’re paying a fortune to be in doing what you do at home?

3. Ask yourself: What drives you? And spend some time with that question before you answer it. Think about what motivates you to buy, what you buy and when you buy.

4. Spend time doing things that are diametrically opposite to what is promoted in the media, such as being still, being with your family without electronic accessories, pray, walk, think, read. Live slowly, breath deeply, linger.

5. Be present. Don’t pursue anything. Especially happiness. It’s a waste of time and will only serve to make you frustrated. The only place you can really have what you long for is where you are right now with exactly what you’ve got.

6. Find someone to really talk to—a religious leader, a friend, a therapist, a doctor—anyone who knows how to actively listen without judging and who can be a true set of eyes with a perspective on things that get you out of the delusion maelstrom we call daily life. Make sure you don’t just find someone who’s going to agree with you. Get the reality check you need.

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Then the other day I saw an ad in Delta's flight magazine. It read:  The five things that stand between busy professionals and dating: Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

And I wondered: Why are we working so much?

And I answered that pretty quickly: To buy stuff. Mostly stuff we will outgrow or throw out in a year or stuff we don't need at all.

Fine, then. But we're tired. Why don't we rest?

I mentioned it to my husband.

And he answered, "Because there's no sabbath anymore. We'll rest when we have no choice."

Well, why don't we have a sabbath? Americans are an overwhelmingly religious group of people and most do have some sort of affiliation with a church, a synagogue, a mosque, a temple, a tribal group. Something that gives them a structure. Almost all have philosophies that stress balance and the cultivation of quiet time as part of worship.

Then, the thought struck me: What if democracy killed the sabbath? What if we don't have a sabbath because we have so many different ones? How do you keep the stores closed on Sunday without accidentally penalizing Jews, Seventh-Day Adventists, and Muslims who would rather close stores on Saturday or Friday? And vice versa? What started as a way of honoring diversity has become a capitalist cramp–now we all have to keep working all the time.

I decided to do an informal survey of colleagues and friends who range from doctors to social workers to teachers of theology, priests, and lawyers. I asked them a few questions:

Do you feel a day of rest is a good idea? Should that include shutting down businesses for the day and giving people who work in the retail industry a chance to rest as well?

What day would be a good day? And why?

Many Christians said to keep it on Sunday since the majority of the United States is Christian of one denomination or another.

One woman–a very diplomatic social worker–said to choose a universal sabbath that was neither a friday, a saturday, or a sunday and that anyone who wanted another day off could take one without penalty from an employer.

Another woman suggested having a 4-day work week, which she believed was not only a good idea emotionally and spiritually, but environmentally. This sounds like a great idea if you work for someone else, travel to work by car, or don't need the money at the moment.  Many local governments are, in fact, opting for this because it lowers their maintenance costs significantly. If, however, you're paying a mortgage and raising a family and can't afford to work fewer hours or you're running your own business and every day you're not open, you're not earning, things become complicated once again.

What to do?

So far, the universal solution has eluded me. But, personally, I take one day a week and dedicate it to one part quiet contemplation and prayer and two parts outdoors. On that day, work stops. I don't shop. I've also made the decision that when I am sick I will (and do) wait till I'm well to go back to work. If that means I make less, so be it. The decision to have a Sabbath, whichever day it is, is a deicision about priorities. On that day, money, stuff, and bottom lines take a back seat to God and home and friendship.

In fact, the latest data support this as a basis for overall happiness. While gross national product is important in predicting the wellbeing of a country, it's actually personal productivity that weighs in highest.

According to one study: "Wealth alone does not bring the greatest degree of happiness. Norway has the highest GDP per capita on the list — $98,822 — yet it ranked ninth, not first. On the other hand, New Zealand's happiness level is 76.7 out of 100 on the OECD list, but its 2009 GDP per capita is $30,556."  In an editorial British Medical Journal (Delamothe, 2005), he noted that research done in numerous countries shows that while people may get richer, they don't get happier. " It is family, social and community networks that bring joy to one's life," according to Delamothe.

The OECD data shows that another important factor is work-life balance. While Scandinavian countries boast a high GDP per capita, the average workweek in that part of the world is no more than 37 hours. In China, which got a low score of just 14.8, the workweek is 47 hours and theGDP per capita is just $3,600.

Working too much seems to be the American Way, but it doesn't seem to be working very well. As the Chinese are rapidly finding out.

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He seemed confused.

I said, "Let's talk about brainwashing. Do you think you haven't been brainwashed up to this point?" I looked at the group and called upon them to consider the pharmaceutical companies, the tobacco industry, Madison Avenue, and the hold that beer has on the American economy and then to talk to me about brainwashing.

They sat quietly for a while and then the fellow who had complained shrugged amiably and said, "I never thought about that. I guess you have a point."

The point is one that is missed by most of us every time we walk into Wal-Mart or choose a product because of the advertising image with which its been endowed by virtue of millions of dollars and selectively researched media placement. We are constantly being sold. Usually we are being sold by fear–the fear of not being good enough, thin enough, smart enough, sexy enough, big enough, tough enough, rich enough, or hip enough. Sometimes it is by the fear of loss. Sometimes by the fear of exclusion. Often by the simple threat of death. And I know few people who are not a little afraid of that. Of course, the insurance companies have the answer to that. But, still no one feels secure.

We are sold shirts, bras, Viagra, and cars, TV's we don't need, pills they tell us we do (even though they may cause lymphoma). We are sold insurance and reverse mortgages and stuff to fill our garages till our cars don't fit.

And we buy. Because we are afraid. And people like the one in my group think that the cure is the disease. Recovery–from addiction, alcoholism or viral fear–is a detox of the mind, a de-trancing, an awakening from a video-induced sloth and media-induced greed that has made us the softest, fattest country on the planet. And so few are happy. We get more and more stuff, but less and less joy.

What we long for is simple. We long for love and purpose, a spiritual meaning in life. In all my years I've never met a bra, a pill, a diet plan or a bottle that ever made good on that promise.

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