Words are Medicine

I just received this beautiful and thoughtful letter from a fellow who read one of my articles on Huffingtonpost.com.

He has graciously allowed me to reprint it in its entirety here. His website is www. DaMoKi.com.

Dear Judith,

I want to thank you again for your articles; the domino effect is in progress…

What I liked about your article on Verbal-First-Aid, in addition to its being well thought out, logically presented, and entertaining, was its application to my area of interest: Parental influence and how it affects development in children, specifically those aspects passed through the generational cycles of behaviors and beliefs: a bow to Dorothy Nolte, kids learn what they live.

The limbic system, as you stated, performs the primordial function of protection and survival through pure reaction to stimuli. However, there are cortical “processes” which result in similar actions and behaviors learned from family interactions, not in a genetic imperative sense and not always in a survival mode, but, often enough. For example, a young child who has never been struck in anger will normally not “flinch” in a response to a raised hand; an abused child tends to engage in some degree of defensive reaction. This fear response is not only to parental threats, but also, to anyone’s, because they believe a raised hand represents the potential for punishment and abuse. As a reactive behavior seen in many animals, over time it becomes increasingly difficult to reverse. Similar patterns occur in the physical, mental, emotional, and even the spiritual areas.

I see behaviors as being comprised of skills, habits, and attitudes… the seeds of which, nourished by family interactions, grow to become the base for future interactions with their children, and within the larger context of society. Counter productive reactions to social stimuli are learned, and therefore possible to reverse, but why not avoid teaching them in the first place. As you point out so well, the way we speak to children, can be altered to avoid or buffer the deleterious effects of limbic reaction; I contend the occurrence of many negative behaviors keeping children from reaching their potentials can also be modified with the same approach.

Too often children are wrapped and insulated intellectually, emotionally, and mentally in the same cocoon of bias, fear, beliefs, and behaviors adopted by their parents and grand parents. In many cases, children eventually become hard-wired reflections rather than independent individuals. Altering this predisposition toward historical patterns of behavior is a daunting task. The education of parents is a key component, albeit difficult to achieve. Not only is there a need to overcome parental delusions of “rightness”; they must be convinced of the need to change their behavior, and the benefits of doing so for their children.

The social cost to all of us is evident, as are the intellectual and emotional costs, which are tragically exacerbated when combined with the effects of peer influence (not Judith Rich Harris’ type), media stimulation, pop culture pressure to conform or “you suck!”, the reduction of coherent family structure, and the McDonaldization of performance expectations. Many parents need help!

Maybe as you say, it all starts, “With Verbal First Aid, with our calm presence, our guidance, and our carefully chosen words …. And that's the key to safety!” Safety can, and in my view, must be defined in a wider sense. And, because I completely agree with your reference to iatrogenic health being possible, I am working on it.

I have become a fan and will be following you on Huffpost.

Sincerely,

Lawson Meadows

Thank you, Lawson. This is precisely the sort of discussion and thoughtfulness I was hoping to generate. Keep moving it forward.

PS: I said above that the dominos were falling: I spent a good part of the night reading some of your past articles, and going to the links you inserted. I finally stopped after going through Gary Sibcy, Ph.D and watching some videos by Dr. Daniel Seigel, and a couple of yours: I decided there was another level to my program which I have not fully considered like “Interpersonal Neurobiology” and “Kid Whispering”, so I am still reading, thinking, and writing.

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