Words are Medicine

Passengers on a Train – A Study in Cultural Narcissism

While traveling north on the railroad from New York City, we were seated comfortably by a window seat watching the east river slowly move past us back out to sea.

My husband and I spoke quietly to each other about nothing terribly important but we were happily enjoying each other's company, watching boats and seagulls float by. There were several passengers nearby, one of whom was starting to nod off. We figured he had a way to go and didn’t mind missing a few stops.

At about the tip of Manhattan, a crew of 10 people, including 5 kids under the age of 10 got on the train. It felt like we had been suddenly dropped into Disneyland. Squealing, yelling, jumping up and down, hitting, and crying filled the passenger car, bouncing off every hard surface they could find.

The fella who was sweetly asleep, was jarred awake. He nuzzled back down into his seat, but finally gave up and leaned against the window, frowning.

The conversation between my husband and I was over.

The adults in the group did absolutely nothing to either calm or correct their children. Nothing.

Worse. They encouraged them, high-fiving every jump that enabled them to touch the ceiling and every song they sang at the top of their lungs.

Does anyone else see anything wrong with this scenario?

My husband, who is a 4^th-generation Montanan, was brought up in a restrained culture in which guns usually spoke louder than words and politeness, respect, and manners was absolutely expected. Once again, he became not only fairly irritated by the behavior of both the children and the adults, but confused and a bit shocked.

Mostly it was the adults that confused him because he couldn't understand how the parents allowed what was going on. Even though I was born andraised in NY and people screaming out of tenement windows to gather their kids for dinner is not alien to me,  I think this situation was different. It was an utter absence of authority and true adulthood. If children can't count on their parents or other grown ups in their world for guidance in new situations—social or otherwise–who are they supposed to learn from?

Restricting a child’s behavior in public does not have to mean they are joy assassins, which I believe a large number of parents are scared of being. They often explain to me that they want their children to be free to express themselves and be happy.

Do manners preclude that? Does setting limits preclude that?

I don’t think so. I think that consideration for the happiness and comfort of others is actually a prerequisite for real joy. You cannot be selfish and entitled and ever find peace or true love.

As my husband said after we left the train, relieved to be away from them, “They were having a good time and they thought everyone else should know exactly how good a time they were having and how cool they were.”

Parents are so worried about how they’re perceived now, that they sometimes forget to be parents. One of the basic tenets of Verbal First Aid is the ability to take a position of benevolent authority and lead a person who is scared, confused, sick, or shocked to a more healing mind-set. Without this foundation–this authority–that says, "I know what I'm doing. I know where I'm going. Follow me." there is no way to establish rapport and guide a person through a crisis so he or she comes out whole.

Authority has gotten a bad rap–often with good reason–in this and other countries. But we ought not throw out the baby with the bath water.  A true king, a true healer, a true parent must always have a measure of authority.

The other night a neighbor’s son had a party in the middle of the night in his parent’s garage. The floods were on, the music was blaring, the giggles, the beer, the smoking—all of it for everyone’s enjoyment, whether they were sleeping or not.

Finally, we had to call them and bring the party to the parents’ “attention.” My husband believes they had to know what was going on, but I think people can be unaware of the most obvious things, if it serves them on some level.

Good parenting still includes good limits. Limits and love are not mutually exclusive. Love and limits relate to one another the way bones and flesh do. The structure is necessary for its proper expression in the world.

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