Words are Medicine

Why are parents so reluctant to be just parents? What has happened in our culture and in our families that we are more worried about whether our kids like us than whether we properly prepare them for a life that is almost always challenging and sometimes damned unfair?

Being the Boss

A great many adults today have a hard time withtrue (benevolent) authority.  They think that being the boss means being “mean.” They bounce between a permissive approach that’s really just an absence of parenting and a chaotic struggle for power that gains them nothing.

Sparing The “Rod”

Some have misinterpreted Biblical commandments about authority with children and in those cases have possibly rejected it out of hand because they have mistakenly come to associate it with corporal punishment and shame. The most obvious interpretive error is the most popular one which reads the Hebrew for “rod” (as in “spare the rod and spoil the child”) for a reed or a stick when in Hebrew it actually is colloquial for the Bible or the “good book”. Instead of it calling upon parents to beat their children, it is an injunction to educate them and hold them accountable to the performance of all the commandments—after they have been helped to understand them.

Becoming a Pack Leader

When my first dog acted out, I took her to a trainer. But the one who needed training was me. The trainer I brought her to explained the situation: She thought she was the boss. She was protecting you. In the absence of authority, she assumed control. You have to become her Alpha.

The same is true of children. Someone has to take the reins. And if parents don’t, the children will—to the best of their limited abilities.

Covet and Control

Our culture and the preponderance of coveting (wanting that which we don’t have) has changed the way parents deal with their children as well. Instead of spending large amounts of time with their children and confronting behavior immediately and directly, many parents now take the short cut. They keep their kids busy and hopefully very quiet with techno-toys. They bribe them with HDTV’s, blackberries, laptops, and other high-tech isolation techniques. As long as they’re fixated, they’re quiet.

Healthy Families and Limit-Setting

A healthy family is neither democratic nor despotic. It can allow for disappointment. It respects differences of opinion and honors each individual’s needs—up to a point. Because it is not run by majority opinion, though, a vote is not taken every morning to determine the family’s course of action.

When I did behavioral contracts with children I always warned parents of the imminent dangers of setting new limits. “Your child is going to rebel. He will test you every chance he gets. Don’t budge. Research has shown that there is a predictable learning curve to the process and in due time—if you are consistent—they will stop and respect you.”

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