Words are Medicine

Rigorous Honesty or Selfishness?

I met a man in his 40’s who came to me for psychotherapy . He had determined that he needed to tell his wife of 15 years about a one-night stand he’d had while they were engaged. I asked him why he suddenly needed to tell her, what had happened that brought about this urgency and he replied, “You can’t have a relationship without utter honesty.”
I was not entirely sure about that then and I’m still not. How much honesty is necessary? How much is good? What is its motivation? Is it for us or for the other person? Are we prepared for the consequences? Do we even know how our confessions will affect people? Do we really care? Do our wives and husbands need to know every stray and sinful thought that crosses our minds?
Here’s another example.  A woman came up to me (outside of therapy) and in the most helpful tone said, “Have you been having stomach aches lately?” I said I hadn’t. “Well, I’m telling you this,” she said conspiratorially, “because you’re open to these things, you know, and I see a darkness in your solar plexus. Just so if you do get sick, you know.”
And I thought to myself, “who asked you?” Then I proceeded to flush out the negative suggestion she had bequeathed to me in her helpfulness.
Honesty is a tricky policy. We are so quick to use it to improve other people and so rarely use that same policy of rigorous honesty with ourselves. We so rarely question our own motives or check our egos at the door.

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